Conductor in Charge of.......... ) gurgled happily,
sounding much like they were saying :

The thing that gets me is that the computer is sorry for delays up to 5
mins from 5 to 30 mins its very sorry and for more than 30 the computer
is extreemly sorry! Not bad for something unable to feel emotion!!!

Hmmm. Perhaps this could be changed according to the expected audience?

A 9.30 train from the posher corners of Surrey could be "really tewwibly
sorry, what?", whereas a train full of footie supported could be "totally
gutted, Brian".